Tomorrow afternoon, I pick up my mom from the airport and we will be tourists in the Cleveland area! Some things I’ve learned this week:
Curtains! Curtains! Curtains!
Today I’m going to try to get the blasted curtains up in my guest bedroom in preparation for Mom’s visit. I had them up before, but then when I went to Founders Day in Akron, my precious Rosa (meow) decided she didn’t like the curtains, so she pulled them down. The bracket on the left side came completely out of the wall! I got some magical goop at the hardware store that fills in holes. It starts out pink, and then turns white as it dries! This time, I’m going to move the curtains and use anchors for the screws. I dare Rosa to pull those curtains down! Ha!
I am going to temporarily put my loneliness issue on the shelf, so that I can focus on something more positive: Mom is coming to town for a visit! I can’t believe she’ll be here on Thursday already! I have a few things I need to do at the apartment in preparation, but not too much. Most of what’s left can be stuffed in a container under the bed!
She’s never been to Cleveland, so we’re going to be tourists! I can’t wait! First on our list? The house where they filmed A Christmas Story!
I just got home from my new favorite meeting in Cleveland. I had an overall good experience at the meeting, but the before and after was awkward, and some things the main speaker said really haunt me:
“Loners in Alcoholics Anonymous don’t make it.”
“Find a group of guys and run with them.”
Maybe I’m socially retarded. Perhaps no one wants to be around me. I might put up walls sometimes. But honestly, how long does it take to make one friend in the middle of Cleveland’s AA groups? I’m really frustrated at how difficult this is getting. And yet, I find myself sabotaging my own success. After the meeting, some old-timers told me that they meet at a certain restaurant. They gave me directions. I drove there right away and parked in the lot behind the restaurant. I’m sure I was the first one there. Then I became paralyzed. I could not get myself to leave the car. I think I stayed in the car for about 20 minutes, just sobbing. Then I drove home.
Maybe next time, I’ll do better.
I found a new toy: Wordle
Just cut and paste text into wordle, and it’ll create word clouds. The one in my header is the first part of “How it Works,” through the (a) (b) (c) section. The one below is the entire chapter “More About Alcoholism.” Wordle makes words big if they are repeated and small if they are only mentioned once. It’s pretty cool!
Two years ago, we started the website for Sioux Falls Intergroup, complete with a searchable online database for AA meetings in the area. Area 63’s PI committee like our site so much that they elected me as the webmaster for the South Dakota AA website. Everything I had to give was knowledge and experience gained as a blogger. So I did my best and learned a few new tricks, and formed committees to help me, etc…
Then I moved to Ohio.
The committees were forced to do a lot more on their own, and I agreed to join them via speakerphone for monthly meetings and work-days. The state’s new webmaster and I have developed a close relationship via phone, and it’s been great to see the “spirit of rotation” alive and well in Alcoholics Anonymous.
Recently, I realized that the time has come for me to let go of the last apron string. I am no longer a resident of South Dakota. I have not attended a meeting in SD in over three months. It’s not fair for me to do service work in an area I will only visit once a year. So I made a series of tutorial videos (in true alcoholic fashion, I made 26 videos) and gave them to both groups. I’m going to attend another web committee meeting on the phone tonight, and will say good bye to my dear friends. It’s time to really jump in where I am.
This is good news on a couple of fronts: I have been extremely lonely, and not pleased with my new home group in Ohio. This “letting go” will give me time to explore more AA groups until I find one that is a really good place for me to get active. The other thing is that I’ll have more time to get back to my blog! I changed the color scheme to a gray and dark gray, as a means of going back to a blank slate and starting over. Unlike previous versions of my blog, I won’t delete the entire blog and start again. Instead, my starting over will be in design. I’m still the same man, just entering a new phase, like my post said a few days ago.
Today, I cleaned up the links in my sidebar, and was amazed at how many people have stopped blogging alltogether. I hope to visit all the blogs again, even if it’s to say “hello” in a comment.
It’s good to be back!
My mom called this morning. Apparently her cat, Lucky, has been pretty sick lately. She has a tumor on her face, and it’s growing every day, making it hard for her to breathe. Yesterday, Mom took Lucky to the vet and they said that it would be best to put Lucky to sleep. In about half an hour, Mom is taking Lucky back to the vet. Mom is going to hold her while the vet gives her a lethal injection.
This is the sad thing about having pets. Eventually, they die. Lucky has been a part of the family over the last 19 years, so it’s really tough to say good-bye.
Fortunately, there are things to be grateful for: Lucky has outlived the normal lifespan of a cat by a few years already. She had a long and happy life. Most of her life, she’s been healthy. She won’t have to suffer a long and painful death, and Mom will be able to choose a place for Lucky’s ashes to be buried.
So long, kitty. You’ve been a good pet.
In some ways, a lot has happened this month, and in other ways, it keeps dragging on and on and on…
I’ve had some real struggles with being lonely lately. It takes time to develop close friendships, and all of my close friends in South Dakota were people I knew from AA groups and AA service committees. I’m fortunate in that I found a Cleveland sponsor right away. He gets where I am spiritually, and encourages me in many ways to keep growing. But I still haven’t found a “home” group.
Don’t get me wrong. I have a “home group,” where I make coffee every Friday night. And I’m friendly with a couple of the guys there. But our interests are so different from each other, and I spend most of my time listening to other conversations when I go out for coffee afterwards.
I was feeling extra-sorry for myself last weekend, and decided that if I was going to get back on the beam, it would be necessary to step out of my comfort zone again and search for new meetings with new people.
My first meeting was really great. It felt like my home group in Sioux Falls, with a wide array of people - young and old, gay and straight, and they were all very welcoming. It felt almost like I was in a daze, because before I knew it, I was walking to my car after having a few short conversations with people, and in my hand was a meeting schedule with a guy’s name in it, and some of his favorite meetings circled.
The next day, I met with my sponsor and told him about my feelings of loneliness and my experience at the AA meeting, and it was good to get that all off my chest and verbalized. Seems more real when I say it out loud. We talked a bit about my history of depression and how it’s important to continue to monitor my moods, since I’ve been going through so many changes. After our conversation was over, I felt more in-balance than I have since moving here.
Some good stuff to report: Mom is coming for a visit on the July 4th weekend! I’m so excited! She and I are going to do lots together, and she’ll get to meet my sponsor too! I’m also excited about the Akron AA website. The webmaster asked if I would like to be involved with some web committee meetings, so I hope to get plugged in there. I also got a call back from a man who is involved with Area 54’s service work. He said that the area’s webmaster is going to school for his PhD, and could probably use some help, too! I also applied for admissions at Cuyahoga Community College, in their eBusiness program. If I can take classes as an Ohio resident, I’ll start in the Fall. Otherwise I might have to wait until next Summer.
What else… we have to start wearing suits to work (yuk) but my sportscoat is the wrong color so I have to send it back (yippee!) My apartment is at a good level of cleanliness and un-cluttered-ness, so that’s great, and my kitty is happy and healthy! I hope to keep up on my blogging and find a new focus for this site, as it’s sorta been gathering dust for a while. So hang on for some fun changes!
On June 10, 1935, Bill W. gave Dr. Bob his last drink, so his hands would be steady during surgery. Dr. Bob never drank again, and that was the “official” birth of Alcoholics Anonymous. So today, AA is 73 years old!
Last weekend was Founders Day, and it was AMAZING. Two people from Sioux Falls made the journey to Akron, and we saw at least one other South Dakotan while we were there. Some of my new friends from Cleveland came for the event, but the ones I know didn’t stay for the whole event. I really think the best way to experience Founders Day is to come early, so there’s time to take in all the historical sites before the thousands of people come. Then go to as many of the weekend’s meetings and presentations as possible, then take in the motorcade to Dr. Bob’s grave and after the last speaker meeting, go to the Mayflower hotel and the chapel at St. Thomas’ Hospital. That’s what we did and boy, was it ever fulfilling!
This was my third Founders Day, and I found a site I never knew about before: the gravesite of AA #3 (Bill D.) We went to his cemetary, and found a wreath in the shape of a circle/triangle. Attached to the wreath was a note that said, “In loving memory of the man on the bed.” Someone left a chip on his headstone, that had the man on the bed picture on it.
There were many more hilights, but I have to say that I really got the message of Unity this year. Which made me think of our Declaration of Unity:
This we owe to A.A.’s future:
To keep our common welfare first;
To keep our fellowship united.
For on A.A. unity depend our lives,
And the lives of those to come.
Start making plans for Founders Day 2009! June 12, 13, and 14!
Yesterday, I hung out with my new sponsor and his family. His wife made supper for us all, and he and I took his little girl to the ice cream shop. In the lulls, we had time to discuss my growth and step-work and life, etc…
After our afternoon together, he gave me two things: A prayer and a book.
That line hooked me from the get-go. I was surprised how much this simple prayer expressed the desire of my heart. Click here to read the entire prayer.
The Spirituality of Imperfection promises to be a good read. Since I am taking the train to work more and more, it would be a very good idea to read some positive literature and focus on spirituality after work is done, on my way home. I think a lot of alcoholics get stuck in the “try hard… give up” cycle, thus making steps 6 and 7 and 10 and 11 so difficult. Being able to say “I am not perfect,” and allowing that statement to be a part of my spiritual journey is much more positive than the old concept of God I was using in my pre-AA days.
